By Dr. John Stathas
Lake Oconee Breeze
LAKE OCONEE — One of the most heartbreaking elements of my profession is to witness the end of a relationship and/or to see one that is in really bad shape. There is so much hurt present in each person. And, it did not need to come to that in most cases. Individuals in a relationship too often procrastinate and postpone working on the relationship, whereas in other areas of their lives they get right to it.
Most people if they feel a sharp pain in their stomach will quickly have it checked out by their physician. They do not wait and wait hoping that it will get better while, in fact, it worsens. Most people when they sense that their car is acting up and/or the warning light goes on, will have it checked out by a mechanic. People don’t want to keel over and die or have their car die or leave them stranded.
But their relationship is different. Most people passively sit and watch their relationship deteriorate and march down death’s row. Why? It doesn’t make sense.
A failing, or failed, relationship has incredible ramifications for mental health, children, finances, and life style. I reiterate, most relationships can flourish or at least get a lot better than what exists at the present time. Less you think I am naïve in this proclamation, let me note that certainly some relationships cannot be fixed, probably never should have been in the first place. But those misfits are the minority.
One of the main reasons for this weekly column is to invite, beg, and cajole people to look at various facets of their life. Hopefully an idea will strike a cord and a person will see the need to work on an area or two of his or her life.
In the world of relationships most often it is the female who will first recognize that something is amiss in the relationship and will see the need for professional assistance. Over and over I hear stories from women who say that they asked their husbands to go to counseling only to be rebuffed. Finally they came alone. Together we look at ways to invite the husband to come in and share his perspective – to deal with it. Too often the man runs away from the marriage emotionally by working harder, drinking more, vegging out before the tube, or living in porn city on the internet.
All too frequently when the man refuses to come to counseling the woman will give up. She goes to an attorney and papers are filed. The husband then will get angry and threaten the wife with various off the wall comments or, sometimes, he will decide to be open to counseling. By that time it may be too late and/or the scars are so deep so that limited remediation can take place.
The words of Carole King’s ominous song recounting the death of a relationship come to mind:
“There’s something wrong here, there can be no denying
One of us is changing or maybe we both quit trying.
It’s too late, baby, now it’s too late…
Something inside has died and I can’t hide
And I just can’t fake it …
It’s too late baby”
Relationship issues are complex and various conflicting perceptions and perspectives exist between a couple. It is vitally important to get on the same page, as soon as possible. Examining the past to get a look at the issues, recognize unfulfilled needs, enhance communication, set goals, compromise, be accountable all are factors that can move a couple forward toward an enhanced union.
Are you waiting too long? Does the relationship still have a heartbeat? Have you missed an opportunity to fulfill your marriage’s potential? “If the shoe fits” – please quit stalling and begin to work on one of the most important elements of your life. You deserve that! So does your partner.
— Dr. Stathas is a counseling psychologist, licensed marriage and family Therapist, in the Lake Oconee area. He is the founder of the Stathas Life Development Center. He can be reached at (706) 473-1780. E-mail: Stathas@plantationcable.net Web site: drstathas.googlepages.com.
