By Dr. John Stathas
Lake Oconee Breeze
LAKE OCONEE —
Over the years I have worked with many families. Oftentimes, one of the children was identified as the “problem child”. “S/he just came of out the womb that way”, an exasperated parent would say. As time moved on the child was the targeted scapegoat in the family. And sure enough, that kid fulfilled the prophecy proclaimed. At some time along the way many a parent will then bring the “deviant” child to me to be counseled, shaped up. So where do I start?
I begin by trying to understand the family, past and present, through the eyes of the parents, and the troubled kid. Sometimes siblings bring their perspective to the gathered data. It always is amazing to hear the unique perspective of the informants. How divergent the views can be from within the same family.
When I speak with the identified “problem child” I try to listen and empathize. How does this person perceive the family and the encompassing world? Usually this person is desperate to have his/her side heard. The inappropriate behavior stems from this perception. Every person wants to be heard. That is the starting point for progress.
Depending on the age and developmental stage of the child, various strategies need to be implemented. For young children love, clear expectations and consequences, consistency of implementation, fairness with all siblings are basic components.
Once a child reaches puberty, s/he needs to have more of a say in his/her life. Ultimately the parents make the decisions but, hopefully, the child sees and values that his/her input has been taken into consideration. The above factors still are essential. Additional sensitivity and communication needs to be present with teenagers. They are developing an identity and are becoming more independent. Their behavior can be, or perceived to be, seen as acts of defiance.
There are other important factors involved here. What is going on in the life of each parent, as well as the couple together, are also important variables here? Does the child have a positive relationship with each parent? Does each parent spend quality time with him/her? Are Mom and Dad showing love for each other and each child? Is there much stress, fighting, or abandonment present that serve as triggers for inappropriate behavior by the child?
And, what about the “problem child” when s/he is an adult? What can you do? Basically nothing, except to encourage the person to find a competent therapist who will explain his/her emotional wiring, and consequent behavior aberrations. Then, hopefully, the person is willing to build on this knowledge and begin a therapeutic process that will re-direct his/her neurological pathways into one that is healthier and more productive. And, if you have been the “problem child”, quit lamenting and blaming. Deal with it!
Problems can be solved. “Problem” children/adults can find solutions to a healthier and more productive life!
— Dr. Stathas is a counseling psychologist, licensed marriage and family Therapist, in the Lake Oconee area. He is the founder of the Stathas Life Development Center. He can be reached at (706) 473-1780. E-mail: Stathas@plantationcable.net Web site: drstathas.googlepages.com.
