A popular song called “Online” by Brad Paisley got me to thinking about a topic that has come up often in my practice over the years. It is about how a person presents him or her self to another for the purpose of establishing a romantic relationship.

“Online”, in particular, is a about a guy who apparently is limited in attributes that might be desirable in most women’s minds. He goes “online” and falsely represents himself to be someone he is not so that he can attract a woman.

“When you got my kind of stats,

it’s hard to get a date

let alone a real girlfriend.

But every time I login

I’m so much cooler online”

It is a catchy song but it is also representative of many individuals who inaccurately present themselves to another. Those of you who have done internet dating know this phenomenon well. This is false advertising!

The internet is not the only place where a person presents him or her self to be some kind of person which in time proves to be quite different. In the dating process people make great efforts to be desirable to the person of quest. Much attention is given to be in the best shape possible, communication style is honed, grooming is max, bad habits and personal oddities are minimized. Each individual does his or her best to be maximally presentable. “Choose me” the image says.

Yet change too often takes place. Why? Marriage took place. That presentable person became someone else! S/he no longer makes the effort to be the best person that s/he is capable of being. Unfair you lament. Some of the negative changes that often happen are:

1. Less attention to personal hygiene and weight management.

2. Less effort to respectfully communicate.

3. Romance goes down the drain.

4. Sexual desire and frequency diminish.

5. Fun times are rare.

6. Arguments about money and kids are normative.

7. Addictive behaviors surface.

8. Co-existence and separate lives become a way of life.

Does this happen in every marriage? Of course not. In yours? Perhaps.

In pre-marriage counseling I assist each person to get to essence of who s/he is. If two people can know the essence of each other they will be more able to distinguish what may have been, or will be, “false advertising”. To make a life long commitment to someone, a person needs to know a lot about the other. It is unfair to misrepresent yourself to be one kind of person when in actuality you are, or will be, someone else.

If your spouse in later years has become a different and less desirable person than the one you married, address the issue. Kindly. Some changes are beyond one’s control. Aging, child bearing, illness all can affect who a person has become.

The bottom line here is that each person strives to be the best person s/he can be and present that person to your spouse in a loving consistent manner. That is not to say that it can be perfect, but if each person resolves to do their best, the relationship will be enhanced.



—Dr. Stathas is a counseling psychologist, licensed marriage and family Therapist, in the Lake Oconee area. He is the founder of the Stathas Life Development Center. He can be reached at (706) 473-1780. E-mail: Stathas@plantationcable.net Web site: drstathas.googlepages.com.