LAKE OCONEE — “Alice in Wonderland”

Rated PG for fantasy action/violence involving scary images and situations, and for a smoking caterpillar.

 

I expected a lot, perhaps too much; I thought falling through the rabbit hole — a 3D rabbit hole, designed by Tim Burton, mind you — would be really spectacular, but instead, it was just ordinary.

Lewis Carroll A.K.A. Charles Dodgson, if he were alive today, and had donned his hard plastic 3D glasses and viewed this latest version of his “Alice” would, in my opinion, consider upping his opium dose to juice up this rather limp version of Wonderland. (For the record: we do not know if Dodgson used opium; it just is one way of explaining how his books would make sense — under the influence of LSD, opium, or other pharmaceutical aid.)

 First it should be said that this “Alice in Wonderland” is Tim Burton’s rewriting of the two famous stories featuring Alice…with added material by Tim Burton. Don’t be taking a paperback copy to follow along…you will be lost in “Underland.”

On the other hand, the Red Queen played by Helena Bonham Carter, is really worth noting. She looks like Betty Davis’s Queen Elizabeth. And her “off with their head” has a charming ring to it.

The Mad Hatter, played by Johnny Depp, was presented as if we should be happy to have crumbs over a decent slice of cake. The mere presence of Depp in costume isn’t enough. Sorry. Mr. Depp’s performance was a tad half-hatted for the Mad Hatter. Anne Hathaway seemed to act like a ballerina on top of a cheap music box. Disappointing all ‘round.

The rest of the main literary characters were cartoons voiced by prominent British actors, maybe on break from filming another “Harry Potter” film or perhaps a new series for the BBC — soon to be shown on its far poorer cousin: PBS. This “Alice” gave them an opportunity to pick up some spare pounds between more profitable filming gigs. For example: Stephen Fry, as the voice of the Cheshire Cat; Alan Rickman as the Blue Caterpillar; and Timothy Spall as Bayard the dog. Not exactly electrifying, but it might have been the material that rendered all the characters dull and tired.

 And one more, minor complaint: The Mad Hatter’s happy dance, known as “fudderwhacking,” was just plain silly. Michael Jackson is spinning in his grave. This scene was painful to watch. It was so sad; so pathetic. I am embarrassed for Depp. It looked like a double-jointed drunk who tried to impress his officemates at a Christmas party…albeit with the help of CGI so his head would spin around. It might have been amazing if we were drunk, but alas, we were stone sober.

I never could finish reading Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland (the novel). Nor could I read Through the Looking Glass, and What Alice Found There. I tried but I was uninspired. This is my problem with “Alice in Burtonland.” It just didn’t ignite my pilot light. There were some pretty images and some droll wit in the Victorian Age scenes, but the women’s liberation pitch at the end of the film was way too much. Alice becoming a shipping tycoon?  Alice becoming a woman of business? The first person to suggest doing trade with China?

Did I just fall down the rabbit hole?

 

“Alice in Wonderland” gets (reluctantly) three bow ties out of five.