LAKE OCONEE — Piranha 3D

Rated R for sequences of strong bloody horror violence and gore, graphic nudity, sexual content, language and some drug use.



“Piranha 3D” is exactly as one might expect: a horror-comedy parody slam-jammed with flesh-mangling gore, jiggling bare naked coeds and sophomoric gags…all in 3D so breasts bounce bodaciously and body parts do numerous tilt-n-whirls up close and personal. Anyone going to see this movie and claiming shock by the gratuitous nudity and/or violence deserves to go back into the water with the aforementioned piranha. And apparently risking the accusation that the director Alexandre Aja has gilded the proverbial lily, he stuffed his characters’ dialog with a mega-dose of the F-word along with the usually limited vocabulary of a drunk frat boy on Saturday night.

The first scene warns us most emphatically. None other than “Jaws” alumnus Richard Dreyfuss is out fishing on Lake Victoria somewhere in Arizona. He is alone and drinking beer. A minor under water tremor occurs. Prehistoric piranha escape from an underground lake and swim up to make a meal of Mr. Dreyfuss.

“Just when you thought it was safe to get back in the water.”

When a movie has no problem with killing off an actor with Mr. Dreyfuss’ pedigree, there is no doubt that irreverence is a guiding force of this plot.

And here is something blisteringly obvious: do not take children to this movie. Do not take old people with weak hearts and pure souls either. And above all: keep your Quaker friends at the meeting house. All three subsections of our society might suffer irreparable damage to their retinas and olfactory organs.

It is spring break and the lovely bodies have stripped down to their bare necessities (and beyond) to swap pheromones. The aforementioned piranha are in the lake and soon the two parties (pun intended) mix and mingle resulting in a sea of red goo.

When young people looking that good semi-naked and having a good time get massacred, one is filled with serendipitous Schadenfreude.

As I wrote above, this is a parody of this over-the-top genre. There is even Christopher Lloyd reprising his mad-scientist shtick playing a fish expert. There was so much déjà vu in those scenes that I half expected to see the DeLorean.

This movie is one of the goriest films I have ever seen. And in 3D, it is rather impressive…or repulsive as the case may be.

Plot? There is none to speak of. And what there is, is both flimsy and downright simplistic. Who would expect a movie like this to have any substance? The end credits tell it all: there are more prosthetic makeup artists than there are actors.

As for the 3D: I’m still not terribly impressed. Why is it that 3D is more impressive during the trailers than the feature? I put the glasses on and in about 10 minutes I forget I am wearing them or even that the movie is in 3D.

Frankly, I can’t recommend this film to my beloved readers unless they are into body shots and body parts (both intact and dismembered). On the other hand, this movie is pretty “sick.” And here I am using the young folks’ definition of the word, meaning freak-show-fun.

“Piranha 3D” earns three bloody bow ties out of five.