‘Legion’ a mind-numbing experience at best

By Steve W. Schaefer

“Legion”

Rated R for strong bloody violence, and language.

“Legion” is 10 minutes of decent horror film excitement jammed into 100 minutes of yakity-yakity, pseudo-Old Testament sludge. From the downright adolescent and stupid prologue narration at the beginning to the reprise of same at the end, it is all eye-rolling melodramatic apocalyptic mind-numbing indulgence. Special effects are on the cheap except for the bits and pieces seen in the trailer. Recognizable TV and movie stars are trotted out to be humiliated with embarrassing dialogue, the only redeeming value of the film being that star-status notwithstanding we get to see famous actors die as they are unknowns.

I am getting weary of cinematic depictions of the almost-end-of-the world plots, but I suppose the bad economy makes for good returns on things-could-be-worse storylines. I long for the Depression films.

In “Legion,” God decides to smite humankind, not by a flood, because he promised not to, but by sending semi-zombies possessed by nasty angels. The battle lines cross at a dusty old diner run by Bob Hanson (Dennis Quaid) and his rather simple, depressed son Jepp (Lucas Black, the kid in “Sling Blade”). Lucky for the investors, this all takes place in the desert.

Jepp is in love with an unmarried, pregnant waitress who conveniently works at Pop’s diner. Charles Dutton plays the hook-handed cook. And there are some city slickers as well: a married couple and their obnoxious teenage daughter and the ubiquitous tough black dude (Tyrese Gibson) who has a big gun and a sterling character (under that urban exterior).

The film’s action begins (after the aforementioned bone-headed prologue narration) when the Archangel Michael falls from earth and proceeds to cut off his wings. I am shocked to learn that even angels need first-aid kits and heavy armory — which he steals from some Asian store-front that sells toys in the back room. Good to know, yes?

Michael has gone-off the heaven reservation to save mankind despite the wishes of his Big Boss. It seems that the pregnant waitress chick is about to give birth to another savior of mankind and he (Michael) intends to stop all the other angels from coming to kill her — and the rest of the world.

Should I interject here that some may find this film sacrilegious or is that already latently evident?

The other angel/zombies are headed up by the Archangel Gabriel. Eventually Michael and Gabriel get into some sumo-wrestling, martial arts scenes. There were times when their tussling positions made me think of some old-time biblical woodcuts I may or may not have seen in my youth. That or perhaps they were reminiscent of nightmares I experienced when I had dozed off in church.

Anyway, “Legion” is about as typical as any horror film that goes straight to third-rate cable channel hell. Forgettable it is except for the regrettable decisions by Charles Dutton, Dennis Quaid and that kid from “Sling Blade” to appear in it. That I shall remember, and so should they.

The blood and guts scenes are tame and lame. The monsters are terribly familiar, and the use of a kid as a bloodthirsty killer, in a film, is older than I am. The only thing original is that the demons are actually angels. Hardly daring enough, or clever enough, to entice anyone to really care.

How does a film with such a plot expect to end before it is struck by a bolt of lightning from an offended God? Well, I suppose the writers thought they could grab some forgiveness with one single line delivered by Archangel Michael near the end of the film.

Well, God may forgive them, but I won’t.

“Legion” gets one bow tie out of five.