“The Wolfman”

Rated R for bloody horror violence and gore.

 

“The Wolfman” is a bit like Masterpiece Theater Presents. It reeks of the mythical dour Victorian era, the period in which the film is soaked. But it is a retro-horror film using a modicum of modern special effects.

Blackmoor, England, gypsies, and a very spooky mansion are all reminiscent of a classic 1930s horror film, perhaps one of the umpteen Wolf Man films; except this version has more than a few sterling, big-name actors. (Actually, the classic Wolf Man came out in 1941, not the 1930s, but I shall not quibble.) One scene shows the staircase covered in cobwebs. (My movie-going partner filed a complaint on the grounds that this film should have been released during Halloween, and she has a valid point.)

In “Scary, ol’ England,” in the boondocks, there is a beast who chases down folks and snacks on them turning them into ground chuck. We know who/what is doing such a thing because we know all about Lon Chaney Jr.

In fact, there are many things that are the same as the 1941 version, including the name of the soon-to-become wolf man: Lawrence (Larry in 1941) Talbot. An American (I suppose naturalized) who returns to his homeland (Wales in 1941, England in our film) to be turned into a wolf man when bitten by the “beast.” His father is named “Sir John” and he comes home after his brother’s death and he takes a shining to his brother’s gal pal Gwen. All of this is just like the 1941 version. But in our Wolfman, Gwen is Emily Blunt.

Lawrence, in this new version, is played by Benicio Del Toro; his father is played by Anthony Hopkins. How genetics could make that possible is graphically explained by flashbacks. Mother seems to be a ravishing Spanish woman or perhaps an olive-skinned Italian, not sure, but he obviously got mother’s Mediterranean features. Later on, in a pivotal scene, Sir Anthony’s blue eyes are ever-so apparent in contrast to Benicio’s not-so-blue eyes.

Geraldine Chaplin plays a gypsy fortune teller — I know, who did the casting for this movie?

Actually, this film had some pretty long dull stretches — all of them being the lovey-dovey parts. Frankly, Benicio and Emily have all the bubbly chemistry of a bucket of sand.

Benicio looks 75 percent crazy on a good day, so it isn’t too much of a stretch that his character spent (and spends) time in a lunatic asylum run by a very bizarre Austrian-accented chap (Antony Sher) who, in my humble opinion, out-acted all the highly paid thespians.

There isn’t anything fresh and exciting in this movie except for the super rich sets. I have seen far worse horror films but I have seen far better — at a tiny fraction of this film’s budget. The director, Joe Johnston, spent most of his career doing far tamer films on the MPAA scale; this is his first “R” rated film, and it shows. It looks like a family-friendly film but with middle-range gore.

I am having a hard time making fun of this movie because I can’t muster up enough enthusiasm to ridicule and no energy or reason to praise it.

The ending is about as apparent as hair on the beast — and as graceful as a wolfman’s bite. In fact, part of it is a tad funny in an unintentional way. So, one’s eye-rolling is perfectly understandable.

Truth be told, I cared not a bouquet of wolfsbane for The Wolfman. I didn’t even have a craving for steak afterward and didn’t bother to look at the moon after I left the theater.

Not a good sign.

“The Wolfman” deserves a rather bloodless two and a half bow ties out of five.