By Steve W. Schaefer
Lake Oconee Breeze
LAKE OCONEE —
“The Losers”
Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense action and violence, a scene of sensuality and language.
It is a good thing that there are a lot of explosions in “The Losers” because it drowned out my snoring. Based on a comic book (obviously a rather witless and boring one), “The Losers” is about a group of black-ops guys who hack off some evil CIA bossman and become the hunted rather than the hunters.
While in Bolivia, these guys, all named after animals, earth by-products, and grunting sounds, are on a mission to kill a drug lord. They are ordered about by a voice belonging to (we later find out) a snappy dresser named Max (Jason Patric), who is never without an American flag pin on his lapel, which apparently, confirms that he is a CIA agent and most likely corrupt.
We all know that true heroes are tough guys who are, deep down, really sweet fellers who love children and tear up at the sight of teddy bears burning up amidst helicopter wreckage. So, when the CIA baddie tries to kill the gang after endangering the lives of little South American tykes, well, it is time to burn their military IDs and passports and go to work in sweat shops to avoid being tracked down.
The head of the hero gang is a chap named Clay (Jeffrey Dean Morgan). Naturally, he wants revenge on Max but needs some help. He gets it from Aisha (Zoe Saldana) who does her best killing while “undressed” in panties and a ribbon. She sashays about rooftops holding large, cylindrical (wink-wink) shaped weaponry, striking a “hottie pose” whenever required.
Of course, she is also a secret operative wanted dead or deader by all the secret agencies in the world and therefore is the heroic anti-hero so necessary in the Comic Book World. If you are 13, you will really like the tussle and smooch scenes between Clay and Aisha. When they are not engaged in their sweaty, wrestling matches, they are blowing up stuff, and chasing after the weasel with the lapel pin.
Did I forget to mention that Max, the bad guy, wants to sell bombs (that will destroy the world) to the Chinese? Those CIA guys are such scamps. Apparently, in the middle of the film, Max’s CIA bosses seem to have forgotten that even when acting illegally and immorally, “The Company” tends to place the US of A in a dominate position. The writers could have, at least, had him lose the flag pin. It is possible he had gone “rogue” but we are never told that…unless it was explained while I had dozed off.
There are some fun scenes in the movie…maybe ten out of 98 minutes. However, I kept thinking of the trailer I saw just before the feature. The cinematic remake of the TV series, “The A-Team” seems like the real thing and “The Losers” reminded me of a cheesy rip-off made by, well, losers who live in their moms’ basement
Zoe Saldana, fresh off the “Avatar” gravy train, probably rues the day she signed on to this junk jalopy. How she is able to do all the tumbling and cartwheels without losing her top is beyond me and a grave disappointment. At least I would have opened up one very sleepy eye for that. To the film’s defense, the soundtrack made me think this was a made for MTV movie and was loud, which helped me from cracking my head on the seat in front of me from projectile snoozing.
I have to add that I noted that the theater was jammed-pack with old guys who probably were escaping from their wives shopping across the street. While I was doing my escaping from the auditorium, I overhead some of the geezers predicting there would be a sequel.
If they pay to see it, they will be “the losers.”
“The Losers” gets one and a half bow ties out of five.
