‘Earth’ short on storyline, excitement
Published 3:21 pm Wednesday, December 17, 2008
“The Day the Earth Stood Still”
Rated PG-13 for some sci-fi disaster images and violence.
“The Day the Earth Stood Still” is a remake of the 1951 classic science fiction film of the same title. I wish the producers had left well enough alone. I think watching this version was as if, indeed, the Earth had stood still. By that I mean, time stood still mercilessly while I watched it. I am stunned that this film had absolutely nothing fresh to say. Sure, they used a vague environmental theme, but that made the plot feel even more cheesy. Aliens want to wipe humans off the face of the Earth so beings from other planets could move in. In short, billions should die because we don’t recycle enough.
I can’t begin to describe how painful the confused logic was in “The Day the Earth Stood Still.” Science is this film’s first victim. I think the late, great Carl Sagan is spinning in his grave — if he has a grave, I can’t remember.
Klaatu (Keanu Reeves) is an alien who possesses a human body. He has come to Earth to kill off all the humans but spare the animals. I guess the aliens don’t believe in evolution. Wouldn’t humans just spring from the primordial ooze once again and start polluting? Frankly, this story insults the intelligence of anyone who has ever watched one single show on the Discovery channel. That or the aliens are a bunch of Creationists.
Then there are the special effects: I have seen far more impressive scenes in cheap TV disaster films. The destruction of cities by tiny metal locusts, in “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” is impressive not one tiny bit. Frankly, I wanted to swat these nasty bugs with a copy of “Air and Space” magazine.
Keanu Reeves (God love him) decided to play Klaatu as a stick with a human face … emotionless and always speaking in a monotone. Watching him was painfully boring. Jaden Smith (son of megastar Will Smith) plays a cute little boy named Jacob. He is (more or less) abducted by Klaatu, but even he can’t save the clunky script. There is a herd of quality character actors, including John Cleese, Kathy Bates and Jon Hamm, but they are wasted. No scenes for them to keep me awake.
And of course there is the giant automaton, Gort. This helmet head shoots laser beams and is supposed to protect Klaatu. In the old movie he was mechanical, but in this revision we are told he/it/she is biological. I guess this is so he/it/she can turn into the flying metal locusts which eat metal, stone, rubber … whatever. I probably should not have spoiled the surprise. Well, if that is the only thing in the film worth watching, it is a very poor reason to pay the price of admission.
This film contorts itself to be “modern.” For example: Jennifer Connelly (most assuredly white) is the stepmother of Jacob (who is black) and a big shot scientist. The real soldier father of Jacob (probably black) is conveniently dead. Now what is the point of this little twist? The Smiths rent out Jaden because they need the money? I think not. Perhaps Jennifer Connelly was signed up before they decided to hire Jaden. I doubt it. I think the producers wanted to make some statement, but it eludes me. Who knows? Who cares? This was really a profoundly dumb subplot…lame, in fact. No offense to Jennifer, but hire a black woman to play the “mother.” There are plenty worthy of the task, including Jaden’s real mother, Jada Pinkett Smith.
And so I think I have given more than a few reasons to not see this movie. Frankly, I started thinking about how the canceled TV series “Mystery Science Theater 3000” would have treated “The Day the Earth Stood Still.” “Mystery Science Theater 3000” made fun of “B” science fiction films using two robot puppets and a real human guy. How I would have loved to see that treatment because it would have been far more entertaining. “The Day the Earth Stood Still” deserves ridicule, especially by sarcastic puppets.
“The Day the Earth Stood Still” deserves only two bow ties out of five.