Are you a scorekeeper in your relationship
Published 8:00 am Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Are you a “scorekeeper” in your relationship? What do I mean by that? A “scorekeeper” keeps count of what each person does on behalf of the relationship. Sometimes on a day to day basis. This person wants to be sure, without a doubt, that his/her partner is doing his or her part. This person’s tally always makes sure the partner comes up a little short. This mindset and behavior can be both exhausting and frustrating to both individuals.
There certainly is a place for responsibility, sharing, and accountability with regard to the various needs and demands of the partnership. Hopefully, over the course of the relationship each person recognizes what needs to be done and steps up and does what is necessary.
Sometimes, or perhaps often, one person does not understand or appreciate what the other does on behalf of the couple’s well being. Most of the time this misunderstanding person is the husband, who surprisingly enough is usually the “scorekeeper”. Many a time I have heard husbands castigate their stay-at-home wives for not doing enough.
Have you ever heard the song “Mr. Mom” by Lonestar? It is about a man who has lost his job. His wife gets a job and he will stay home with the kids and “watch TV and take long naps; go from hard working dad to being Mr. Mom.” After being Mr. Mom for a very short time he concludes that he “thought there was nothing to it. Baby, now I know how you feel. What I don’t know is how you do it. Honey, you’re my hero!”
Relationships go through many manifestations over the course of time. Job demands, children’s needs, meals, home upkeep, etc… all call for attention from someone. Who answers the call and to the extent that the needs are met invite judgment. Be careful. Usually, not always, each person is doing the best that s/he can. If you honestly feel that the other person is not doing his/her share, bring it up in an assertive, but non-judgmental, manner. Encouragement, gratitude and compliments are the best response. Focus on what is being done, not what is missing. With such a complimentary and supportive couple environment, each person will probably do even more to ensure that s/he is contributing to the overall needs of the family.
During the course of a committed relationship, one person may in fact be doing more than the other. During another stage of the relationship the other person may be doing more. Don’t keep score, be grateful that you have a partner that is there for you and the family and will rise to the occasion based on the presenting needs of the time.
Dr. Stathas is a counseling psychologist, licensed marriage and family Therapist, in the Lake Oconee area. He is the founder of the Stathas Life Development Center. He can be reached at (706) 473-1780. E-mail: Stathas@plantationcable.net Web site: drstathas.googlepages.com.