Illness and loneliness oft coincide
Published 8:00 am Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Last year I attended the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine conference at Hilton Head. A broad section of health providers were in attendance. It was a time of mental stimulation and rejuvenation. The walks along the ocean were certainly additive.
A physician, Michael Stein, gave one of the keynote addresses. He spoke of how illness intensifies loneliness. Injury, surgery, as well as the emotional illnesses of anxiety and depression experiences are included in an understanding of illness. A few of his salient points raised my awareness in this area.
Illness limits our everyday existence. We are not our full self. We focus on our weakness and the disappointment of not being up to par. Being less of ourselves we tend to separate out from other people. Illness is private and solitary, it excludes others. “Illness is not a team sport.”
Illness can reach into the depths of our humanity. Illness reduces us to a certain helplessness, depending on its severity. We return to a childlike vulnerability. Vulnerability evokes fear — fear of the unknown.
“Will I get better?” “When?” “Might I die?” The intensity of loneliness depends on our sense of attachment, degree of impairment, and how much we feel that our body has “let us down.”
May I share a very personal experience about this. Eight years ago I received a dreaded phone call. On a Friday afternoon after golf, I checked my messages and heard my dermatologist say to call her immediately. I had recently had a routine check up. Upon reaching her I found out I had a melanoma. Incredible fear and anxiety surfaced.
This was not good news or good timing! That weekend was a special time — a celebration of my wife Sherry’s birthday. I was not about to ruin her weekend with my bad news. Therefore I kept the news inside me all weekend while giving it my best to make her birthday special. She deserved that.
Carrying the burden of melanoma alone was painful. I felt alone — lonely and sad, weakened by the news of my malady. Thoughts of death were pervasive. I thought of how she and the kids would carry on without me. My stomach was in knots.
Finally on Sunday evening after dinner when the kids had left the dinner table I told Sherry my news. I could hardly speak as abundant tears flowed. It felt good to let out those painful emotions to my caring wife. Her loving response will forever be cherished.
Illness brings us down. Sadness, weakness, and feeling of mortality surface. You do feel alone. Such loneliness is felt and handled differently by various people. Everyone needs some form of comfort and caring from others. Hopefully recovery and rejuvenation are ahead and the outcome proclaimed is “I feel like myself again!”
Holidays often are a time of physical and emotional illness. Loneliness is often present. Perhaps a heightened awareness of this loneliness in others, and perhaps yourself, will serve to bring more caring and support where needed.
Meanwhile, may this time on earth be precious, filled with appreciation for the gift of life and the opportunity to share it with loved ones. Salud!
Dr. Stathas is a counseling psychologist, licensed marriage and family Therapist, in the Lake Oconee area. He is the founder of the Stathas Life Development Center. He can be reached at (706) 473-1780. E-mail: Stathas@plantationcable.net Web site: drstathas.googlepages.com.