Over the years I hear many stories about families as told by various family members. Many of these narratives speak of hurts and abuse within the family. The pain experienced and subsequent malfunctioning of various members are very compelling. Sobbing and vitriolic anger often accompany these sharings.

How and why does such abuse happen? The “why” has many explanations of which I will not note here. The focus for this article is on the “how” such abuse takes place.

First off, there is the identified “abuser.” This person can hurt a child physically, sexually and emotionally. This person is the “sinner,” easily identified, especially in retrospect. More often than not the “abuser” is the father or stepfather. Increasingly mothers and stepmothers are the “sinners.”

Who lives with the “sinner,” this abuser? Often the “saint” is present. This enabling spouse is usually a weak person. S/he is not emotionally present, and oftentimes not physically present. This spouse either pretends to, or actually does not, observe the abuse. S/he usually is afraid of the abuser as well, and probably is dependent in one form or another on the abuser.

If and when the abused person addresses the torment, the focus is on the perpetuator, the “sinner.” What a horrible person that abuser is or was. It is my responsibility as a therapist to help that person identify the roles of the “saint.” S/he could have stopped the abuse — but did not. That person then becomes an accomplice to the pain inflicted.

A “strong punishing person and a “weak” accomplice are a dangerous, and frequent, duo.

The reason for this article is to assist the reader in identifying the damage done by the “saint.” Often it is missed. S/he does not deserve a “hall pass.” The “saint” needs to be identified, and confronted” for his or her part in the damage done.

When confronted the “saint” invariably will say that s/he did not know what was going on. What kind of person is so oblivious to the dynamics present in the family and the negative symptoms that were present in the child(ren)?

It is one of the primary responsibilities of a parent to do everything possible to keep a child physically, sexually, and psychologically safe. A child abused by a parent by commission or omission is seriously scarred for life. Such an imprint often causes the abused person to later become the abuser, ironic as that may appear. I have witnessed such confessions only too often.

My wish is that each and every person be alert so that no child is hurt. Identify the “sinner” perpetrator, and his or her accomplice, the “saint.” This dangerous duo must be confronted and receive the consequences of their horrific parenting.



—Dr. Stathas is a counseling psychologist, licensed marriage and family Therapist, in the Lake Oconee area. He is the founder of the Stathas Life Development Center. He can be reached at (706) 473-1780. E-mail: Stathas@plantationcable.net Web site: drstathas.googlepages.com.