“The Crazies”

Rated R for bloody violence and language.

“The Crazies” is about a chemical weapon accident that turns the residents of a bucolic town in rural Iowa into muttering, murderous lunatics. Loosely based on George Romero’s 1973 film with the same name, this version seems to be low on just about everything including fuel. This film is more sputter than splatter. And in this genre, splatter matters. In short: zombies on the cheap, courtesy of The Evil Government, of course.  Worth noting: big shots (the mayor and a military, industrial complex official) are middle-aged, paunchy, and bald.

The director, Breck Eisner, has long, slinky hair. Obviously he has a thing against portly gentleman of the hairless variety.

Back to the principals: there is the wife of a doctor (Radha Mitchell), and the husband of a sheriff (Timothy Olyphant). She is a simple, humble country doctor who, incidentally, hangs her clothes out on a clothes line. (I wonder what she does when it is 40 degrees below zero; in other words, a typical Iowa winter?) Anyway, he is like Sheriff Andy Taylor. A sweet guy that cares more about the good citizens of his community than the speeding tickets he can issue. And his deputy may look like a redneck, but he is a nice guy — who happens to be a pretty good shot. Then we throw in a teenaged Cutie who works for the doctor.

Now, in top drawer slash and gash movies there is always sex, or, at least, a bulging bra scene.

But in The Crazies there is no sex and no bulging bra scenes.

Now in trop drawer slash and gash movies, there are always decapitations and head explosions.

But in The Crazies there are no decapitations or head explosions; just a measly neck stabbing and some off-frame head shots. I can see that on the Lifetime Channel.

What was the 18-year-old in the movie for? She didn’t get in the back seat of a car, didn’t take her top off, and didn’t go down in a basement? What is this, a Disney movie?

There are a lot of shooting of panicking citizens by soldiers. And a whole lot of holocaust allusions that are awkward, if not distasteful. Very creepy — and not in a good way either.

Another annoying thing about this film is the total lack of black humor. Half the fun of slash and gash or zombie movies is a strong dose of inappropriate comedy; funny methods of bloody death, if you will. Sadly, there is not a single blood gush worth a giggle.

There might have been some scenes that had some redeeming value, but I probably missed them because I dozed off a time or six.

Although filmed in Iowa and Georgia, I can’t cut this movie any slack. The film started off well enough: odd behavior by the town reforming drunk, wandering out on a baseball field with a shotgun. Sheriff Andy — I mean Sheriff David — tries the friendly Iowa method of persuasion, “Come on, Rory, drop the giant shotgun pointed at my smilin’ corn-fed head, you don’t want to blow me down to Missouri, do you?” No reaction. Then, reluctantly, the sheriff utilizes the Georgia method: one shot to the old drunk’s cranium. Pow! Now that is a promising start.

But it went downhill from there on out. And so it was nap time for me. Even death by pitchfork (later on in the film) didn’t shatter my drowsiness. And the little scene of the skull saw going for Olyphant’s crotch didn’t cheer me up either.

And the last scene was particularly eye-rolling. I swear, I thought I saw Dorothy, her three friends, and Toto on the road to Oz — or in this case, Cedar Rapids .

“The Crazies” gets two dull bow ties out of five.