I try to stay abreast of books that may speak to the heart and mind of you, respected reader. Recently I came across a book that has a lot to say and I would like to quote some of it as well as add my own commentary. The book is entitled “A Flight From Intimacy” by Janae B. Weinhold, Ph.D. and Barry K. Weinhold, Ph.D. They have articulated well the challenges that most every human being faces in establishing an intimate vulnerable relationship with a spouse. While their insights are not new, they succinctly focus on the factors that make it difficult to develop and maintain such a desirous connection.

Without getting all Freudian about it, the Weinholds appropriately focus on early childhood development within the family. If a child’s basic needs of trust, security, and nurturance are not met a disconnect occurs between parent and child. The first three years of life are particularly critical for such emotional brain development and attunement. If such early disconnects are not recognized and addressed they “eventually create patterns of isolation and disengagement that cause people to flee intimacy in their adult relationships.” Emotional neglect and/or abuse in their many manifestations leave scars that result in barriers to intimacy.

Co-dependency and Counter-dependency are two life style defense mechanisms that lead to the “flight from intimacy.” The Weinholds characterize co-dependent people as those who “cling and act weak, insecure and helpless. Those who are counter-dependent appear to be strong, secure, confident and successful on the outside. On the inside, however, they feel weak, insecure, fearful, and needy. They may function well in the world of business, but they are often failures in the world of relationships….They are afraid to get close to others, and avoid intimate relationships as much as possible.” I see these situations every day in my practice. Every day.

“People with co-dependent and counter-dependent issues are often attracted to each other which creates predictable conflicts over intimacy. … The bad news is that the closer your adult relationships become the more they will activate memories of old traumas. … The good news is that these relationships are the best place to heal the trauma that causes co-dependent and counter-dependent behaviors.” Intimacy issues arise from early experiences in the family and can best be healed within one’s new “family”, meaning significant other. It is important to note here that such a process can only be facilitated by a skilled therapist who understands this paradigm and can bring objective leadership to it.

The Weinholds stress that such healing involves “telling the truth about who you really are, what your needs are, sharing power, finding soul-evolving solutions to all conflicts and being willing to openly share your life with your partner on many levels: mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical. … Once you expand your definition of intimacy to include healing each other; your relationships will shift dramatically.”

Those of you who read this column regularly will recognize these themes. The Weinholds have done a masterful job in eloquently describing why people take “A Flight From Intimacy” and, more importantly set forth the path of healing and developing true intimacy. I highly recommend this book.

— Dr. Stathas is a counseling psychologist, licensed marriage and family Therapist, in the Lake Oconee area. He is the founder of the Stathas Life Development Center. He can be reached at (706) 473-1780. E-mail: Stathas@plantationcable.net Web site: drstathas.googlepages.com.