“Knight and Day”

Rated PG-13 for sequences of action violence throughout, and brief strong language.

I must rush to finish this review because if I don’t get my thoughts about “Knight and Day” down on paper fast, I will forget every scene and then I won’t get the minimum column inches written and then my editor may make me go back and see it again … and I certainly don’t want to repeat the experience.

It has Tom Cruise and for some sad, lonely, “mature,” woman it might be a work of art. Also, it might be darn funny for giggly college girls who smoke those funny cigarettes with wrinkly paper because there were a few of them that saw the movie with us. And since Cameron Diaz plays the perky, klutzy and sexy blonde (even though she only goes as far as a bikini, and is pushing 40), sad, lonely, “mature,” men might think it is a work of brilliance as well.

Frankly, “Knight and Day” has some entertainment value; I am just not so sure it is worth the price of admission much less a tub of popcorn and a jug of Coke. Perhaps it is worth, after six months or so, borrowing the DVD from some sad, lonely friends, and buying some Jiffy-Pop, and generic soda from the dollar store.

Here is the deal: Tom Cruise plays a secret agent who is suspected of losing his mind and going rogue. Luckily, his “rogueness,” makes him semi-funny and harmless except to bad guys. Along the way he picks up Diaz who is a Tom-Boyish, pre-middle-aged hottie and the fact that she knows how to fix classic American muscle cars is apparently supposed to be gender-bending comedic genius. Some geeky kid with a social disorder invented a battery that never runs down, like the Energizer Bunny on a limitless and non-terminal supply of Crack. Cruise has the battery (and the boy) and is trying to keep it away from the evil CIA (his former employers) and an even more evil Spanish arms dealer. They go from Boston to Kansas to Spain traipsing across roofs and shooting guns while hippity-hopping from car to car during the ubiquitous car chase.

Did I mention that Tom’s naked, upper torso makes frequent appearances? The squeals from the grannies in the audience were a little distracting, but I am a reporter so I am obliged to report.

I think that the problem with “Knight and Day” is that it is supposed to be a parody but it isn’t satiric enough. Sure, there is some amusing Spy vs. Spy scenes and some quasi-clever plot twists that I haven’t seen since “Get Smart” was on television, but I guess Tom Cruise’s abs and Cameron Diaz’s bikini lines are supposed to make me think that all is well with “Knight and Day.” But I just can’t say I was impressed.

Well, watching “Knight and Day” is a pleasant way to pass the time, especially if it is really hot outside and one is being chased by scary CIA agents and arms dealers with a “thpanish” accent.

Frankly, it is the kind of movie that I find more annoying than it deserves, so I shouldn’t be too harsh. It has Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz and they get as naked as far as pre-middle aged actors dare. Cruise, at the age of being on the verge of getting smacked with the “rheumatiz” is most impressive because he actually did some of the stunts. But I am fairly sure that the insurance lawyers were on hand as spotters, eager to jump between Cruise and the asphalt in case he slipped off the top of the car. Yet, I can barely get up out of a chair without grunting so I am obviously jealous.

I am closing in on the end of the review and still have some vague memory of a scene or two, like the end, which was really lame. On the other hand, not a single character in the movie was created by Marvel Comics and it isn’t in 3D either. It is an attempt at making a solid screw ball comedy with no fancy CGI techniques; just crazy stunts with motorcycles, cars, and stampeding bulls. So, good for them, but is just not good enough for me to get excited.

I really didn’t hate “Knight and Day.” It was solidly above average, it is fun. However, my memory is fading; so I may be getting too charitable.

“Knight and Day” earns two and a half bow ties out of five.