Communication between people who have significant relationships is never easy. This is particularly challenging when something unpleasant needs to be expressed. All of us are defensive to some degree. The closer the person is to us emotionally, the more defensive we are because that person can hurt us the most. Most people when they are hearing things that do not feel good tend to either “shoot the messenger” or withdraw. Therefore, vital information needed for better understanding and closeness does not get exchanged. The result is a relationship that stalls or declines. The focus in this article is on romantic relationships, but the same principles of feedback communication are pertinent to any relationship.

Feedback is giving back to the other what you think and feel about what s/he is doing. If you think about it, we really are constantly doing that one way or another. If you videotaped your communication with your significant other, what would be seen and heard? I think you would be surprised at how many negative hurtful comments and nonverbal expression are communicated. What would you guess the ration of positive to negative expressions are?

 The goals of this article are for you to desire, and be able, to give positive statements to your significant other and be more effective in shaping your negative perceptions. In every relationship individuals have positive and negative perceptions about what the other person is doing and react accordingly. How can these perceptions best be communicated?

 Feedback particularly the “sandwich” technique, can be very effective in helping a relationship to improve, bringing a couple closer to each other. First, here are some general principle of feedback:

1. Be descriptive, not judgmental in describing a behavior. This minimizes defensiveness.

2. Be specific rather than general. Rather than saying “you are a controller,” say “when you told me I had to fix dinner now, I felt controlled.”

3. It is directed toward a behavior that the person can do something about.

4. It is well timed. Do not give feedback while the other person is involved in something.

5. Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements.

In preparation for this experience each person should write down all the positive and negative  things that are felt about the other.  Which list is longer? What does that say?

The Sandwich feedback technique really can be an effective way to increase quality communication and closeness. The emphasis is on the positive, but does not ignore the negative. I ask couples I work with to use this method and they report good results. It goes like this: You say to your significant other something like this: “Joe, I really appreciate how hard you work to provide for our family.” Joe then offers a positive  back:  “Sue, I’m really grateful for the way you manage our various household responsibilities.” Then comes a negative offering: “Joe, my feelings were hurt when you told me to shut up in front of the kids.” Joe’s turn: “Sue, it disappoints me that you don’t come to bed until I have fallen asleep.” Then the couple exchanges a third positive statement. After this exercise, which has two positives wrapped around one negative (note the “sandwich” and the two to one ratio), the couple can build on these shared perceptions. Hopefully the positives have lowered defenses and each person can be more open to meeting the needs and desires of his/her partner.

Feedback is an important part of good communication. Utilizing these tips and the “sandwich” technique can lead to a more positive and productive exchange between two people who want to enhance the relationship.

— Dr. Stathas is a Counseling Psychologist, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, in the Lake Oconee area.  He is the Founder of the Stathas Life Development Center.  He can be reached at 706-473-1780. Email:Stathas@plantationcable.net. Web site: drstathas.googlepages.com. Blog: drstathas.com