Battle: Los Angeles

Rated PG-13 for sustained and intense sequences of war violence and destruction, and for language.

Aliens, looking like stainless steel termites, drop into oceans off coastal cities around the world. They attack Earth because they need our water. Water is their “oil.” We know this because a television talking head told us; and those guys are always right.

However different these creatures are, they still use good old fashioned bullets and bombs to decimate the cities’ population yet their technology is based on water. I can hear the late Carl Sagan

groaning.

Between these erector-set critters and the total destruction of Los Angeles is a small band of Marines, most specifically Staff Sergeant Michael Nantz (Aaron Eckhardt). Staff Sgt. Nantz lost his men in a recent mission. This haunts him. Certainly, we know that it wasn’t his fault. Nevertheless, he was prepared to retire when the Silver Bugs hit the beaches. When they did, he was assigned to another squad of Marines — one that is not too pleased to have him. The officer in command was a freshly minted and inexperienced 2nd Lt. William Martinez (Ramon Rodriguez).

And so, for almost two hours, we have to endure these tough leather necks slogging through the streets of the decimated city killing one alien insect at a time. This film made me think of the Marines recruitment trailers we see on TV and in the movie theaters and the TV series Combat. Actually, they are/were more dramatic and entertaining. “Battle: Los Angeles” is nothing more than loud explosions and rather fuzzy computer graphic images of LA blown to bits. We have seen this far too many times.

We have to endure the personal angst of Nantz and the little, mediocre back stories of the other Marines and a family that stupidly failed to evacuate when they were ordered. God forgive me, but I did not care.

Puppets made of papier-mâché would have served just as well as the actors. Really! BORING! The alien monsters could have been played by bent forks attached to balls of aluminum foil. Since everything about this movie is a giant yawn, I blame the writer, producers, and director Jonathan Liebesman.

“Battle: Los Angeles” is disrespectful to its own audience. They clearly think we will pay our hard earned money just to hear explosions and men shout Semper Fi before they blow themselves up for the good of their fellow Marines. All good Americans should admire the service of the United States Marines without having to survive “Battle: Los Angeles.”

“Battle: Los Angeles” barely deserves one bow tie out of five.

My advice to you is to retreat to another theater to see another film. I ran from the “Battle: Los Angeles” to the very ribald, “Cedar Rapids.” It is a mixture of TV’s The Office, and the two movies: “The Hangover” and “The 40-Year Old Virgin.”

Tim Lippe (Ed Helms) is a naïve, honest, man-child who sells insurance. He has never flown in an airplane or traveled beyond tiny Brown Valley, Wisconsin, the town in which he was born and raised. The top salesman at his insurance agency dies while engaging in a rather bizarre sexual act. This prompts the agency owner (Stephen Root) to send Lippe to an insurance conference in the big (and apparently sinful) city, Cedar Rapids. While there, Lippe meets fellow insurance sellers, the “wild and crazy” Dean Ziegler (John C. Reilly) and Ronald Wilkes (Isiah Whitlock, Jr.) a teddy-bearish African-American; Lippe has not had much interaction with a black man so this is of and by itself an adventure. Lippe soon learns about the depravity of sex, drugs, alcohol, prostitution, bribery, and Cream Sherry. Although he walks briskly (and hilariously) on the dark side, good ol’ Midwestern honesty and integrity prevail.

The actors are masterful; the plot clever and enjoyable. If you liked The Hangover and need something to tide you over until The Hangover II comes out, then take a trip to Cedar Rapids.

“Cedar Rapids” earns four naughty bow ties out of five.