You probably have heard the saying “If it isn’t broke, don’t fix it”.  There is wisdom to that.  There also is wisdom to fix something that is broke.  Relationships can be broken, in disrepair – not working well.  The solution?  FIX IT!

Too many relationships continue to merely drift along in mediocrity because one or both of the persons involved won’t fix it.  Somebody has to lead and say “Honey, this isn’t working. Want to try a fresh start?”  And the other says, “yes, I’ll give it a try.”  These are the most important factors:

1. Recognize that there is a problem.

2. One person states that the problem needs to be addressed.

3. The other agrees to work on it.

Now what?

If your car isn’t working, you take it to a competent mechanic to get it fixed.  If you have a health problem, you go to a competent physician to figure it out. If your marriage isn’t working, you go to a competent Marriage and Family therapist to fix it.  Or, perhaps, your marriage isn’t as important as your car or health.  

A “fresh start” would involve a few basic steps. One, find a therapist that you both think is competent, can be objective, not take sides, and provide caring leadership and direction in a timely manner.

     Important starting points for a “fresh start” would include:

For the woman: That you be heard. Once you get all the painful facts out in therapy, so that the therapist knows what has led you to come to counseling, do not ever bring up such history again. Trust that the therapist has understood and will provide strategies to heal and assure that such behavior by your husband will cease.  Develop amnesia for the painful things from that past and focus on the good things that your husband has done. Your righteous anger is not attractive or helpful in trying to mask the underlying pain you have experienced. Learn how to forgive and “let go, let God”.

For the man: Make your wife your number one priority in life. All other things come and go – your kids, your job, your virility, etc…  Be attuned to her and grateful that she is still with you in spite of all the stupid things you have done. Apologize. Be a leader and help your wife feel secure and loved. Usually she feels that you have lost interest in her.

The above two stereotypical factors are pertinent to most all troubled marriages. Invariably they are brought up in our initial meeting. If they are positively addressed we can move ahead and deal with other issues that may exist and work toward meeting each person’s essential needs.

So, I ask you, respected reader, if your marriage has issues to address, are you the leader that says, “Honey, this isn’t working. Want to try a fresh start?”  Or are you the person who says, “I’ll give it a try”?  Or are you the person that continues to merely exist in your mediocre marriage and won’t work on it?

Most marriages have room for improvement.  Those who are committed to the relationship long term will address concerns in a timely manner. In doing so you can create a loving relationship which nurtures well each person. You deserve such a life!

— Dr. Stathas is a Counseling Psychologist, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, in the Lake Oconee area. He is the Founder of the Stathas Life Development Center. He can be reached at 706-473-1780. Email:Stathas@plantationcable.net. Web site: drstathas.googlepages.com. Blog: drstathas.com