Small talk can help build quality relationships
Published 8:00 am Wednesday, April 20, 2011
On a recent trip to Borders I came across a book titled “The Art of Small Talk” by a self described “nerdy engineer burdened with poor social skills” — Debra Fine. Fine was an “overweight reticent kid who sat invisible in the back of the class, often excluded because of my size.” Her motivation was her divorce and the realization that she needed better social skills.
Now I ask you, respected reader, who doesn’t need a little help in socializing better — even those of you extroverts who think you do it so well. Fine’s goals would be to help you to:
1. Engage any individual in a meaningful dialogue.
2. Resuscitate a dying conversation.
3. Transition into new topics.
Fine would like to encourage you to introduce yourself and start a conversation, and then become invested in the person and the dialogue. She lists fifty ice breakers covering a broad range of topics. Sincere compliments are an important part of conversing and connecting with another person. (As an aside, I am surprised at how few people offer compliments in the course of meeting up with another person. There most always has to be something positive about the other person that merits a compliment)
Open ended questions can keep the conversation going. Examples would be:
“Describe for me…,” “Tell me about…,” “How did you…?,” “What was that like for you?” and “Why?”
Attentive listening, eye contact, and body language all serve to help the other person feel heard. One’s active presence invites the other to share more.
For those of you who are not quick of tongue in a social situation, you can prepare a few self disclosures and questions to ask the other person. Self disclosure invites self disclosure. Most people, when invited, like to talk about themselves.
Postures to avoid would be the Braggart, One Upper, Monopolizer, Interrupter, Poor Sport, Know-it-all, and Advise.
Fine also has a chapter devoted to Singles. She advises where to go, what to do, and how to make dating less awkward. She is the voice of experience in this.
Quality conversation is an important component for effective communion with another person. Fine’s readable book offers pragmatic approaches to maximize quality conversations. I particularly recommend it to those of you who may be shy, insensitive, or who desire something more than “cocktail chatter” with another person. Fine has come a long way and can assist others along that road to conversations that are connective with some depth and direction.
— Dr. Stathas is a Counseling Psychologist, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, in the Lake Oconee area. He is the Founder of the Stathas Life Development Center. He can be reached at 706-473-1780. Email:Stathas@plantationcable.net. Web site: drstathas.googlepages.com. Blog: drstathas.com