Sometimes in my practice I am presented to a “dead marriage.” It is “dead” because:

1. It should never have been born. It was a poor fit from the get-go. The couple was too young, naïve, and/or just plain mis-matched. It was not a good fit. In some cases the couple saw the mis-match early on, divorced, and started over. Others took longer to realize that they were not a good combination, and then they went to divorce.

2. Another type of “dead” marriage is one that could have been kept alive, but the couple beat it to death. This beaten up marriage tried to survive the on going torture it received, but the tormentors refused to get quality assistance to heal and resurrect it. Or perhaps they tried counseling but the counselors or the therapeutic strategies presented were inept.

Thus, what did the couple with the dead marriage do? Options:

1. They agreed that the marriage was a mistake, did not blame the other, got divorced, and continued their partnership in a respectful manner if children were involved. If no kids, “out of sight, out of mind,” or “never the twain shall meet” as Kipling would say.

2. They parted as enemies, chose warriors (attorneys) to help them continue to hurt each other in new and painful ways. Both were bloodied and, if children were involved, continued to wound their offspring repeatedly. The financial and psychological “cost” of such a war was, and remains, devastating.

3. They wanted to dissolve their marriage in a humane and fair manner. They mediated their marriage dissolution, taking the warring tactics out. This significantly minimized the “costs” involved.

Respected reader, you may have fallen into one of the above categories or are “fixin’” to. Breaking up a marriage is challenging and very difficult to pull off with the best of intentions. Perhaps that is already your experience. If possible do all you can to heal the damage done, especially if children are a part of the mix.

If you are on the brink of considering divorce seek out competent assistance to know what your realistic options are and then tread carefully into the potential pitfalls. Life is too short to inflict or receive unnecessary pain from a marriage partner, past or present.

Others of you who have not yet gone through the experience of a “dead” marriage, learn more about yourself and what you need/want in a marriage partner. If you are in relationship where marriage is a possibility, seek relationship counseling to assess the strengths and potential weaknesses that may exist is this relationship. There are few pains greater than going through the “dead” marriage process. You definitely can lower the odds of having such a painful experience.