This is a plea to all preachers, and others who like to preach.  Remind your listeners of the words of Jesus regarding forgiveness.  When asked how often one should forgive, Jesus replied 77 times (Matthew). Seven was the number for infinity. He meant you always forgive. It just so happens that this biblical admonition is also healthy psychology.

     Part of my practice involves pre-marriage and marriage counseling.  In some cases marriage counseling fails because one spouse cannot forgive the other and keeps bringing up the past.  Even if an apology is offered that spouse will not forgive.  This inability to forgive dooms the process.  Marriage over.  Divorce court is next or incessant battling continues on the home front. 

     When a person is unwilling to forgive I ask this person to quit being the “victim”, learn to forgive, so that a “fresh start” can begin.  The “victim”, the non forgiver, often “shoots the messenger”, that be me, and angrily stomps out. Such people oftentimes then seek out a “rent-a-friend” therapist who will listen to only one side, offer sympathy, and let the “victim” whine into eternity.  Thus the non forgiver feels justified and understood.

Meanwhile the marriage falls further apart.

     In no way am I saying that forgiveness is easy.  It is not.  Letting go of painful hurts is challenging.  Abuse has caused damage and repair is not easy.  Some people just can’t go the forgiveness route.  Options remaining are to continue living together with this blaming screaming torture or get divorced.  Neither is a particularly good option – especially if the marriage could have been saved, and it usually can, by the act of forgiveness.

      I once had a wall hanging given to me that had blooming flowers on it and the saying, “Begin each day with fresh forgiveness.”  Forgiveness allows blooming life to occur. What a magnificent way to live.

     To facilitate such forgiveness I sometimes encourage a letting go activity for a couple to employ. . I invite couples, or at least the “victim” to write down all of the things that the other spouse has done that has caused the “victim” pain.  Then in a session, or two, the “victim” reads off all the hurtful things.  The other spouse is to acknowledge the infractions, not defend, and then sincerely apologize.  Hopefully, the victim will feel heard, validated, be able to accept the apology, forgive, and then never bring these issues back up. Then the written injustices are burned and let go in the rising smoke.  This symbolic act assists each person to move on and create a new beginning.

     For those individuals who have been able to forgive, they feel lighter, more positive and loving.  They have put down the heavy back pack of negative energy of blame and anger.  We then can get on with the process of healing the marriage wounds and moving forward to develop the potential of the marriage.

     So, respected reader, I think you can understand why I am asking for the collaborative help from preachers and other enlightened people who understand the principle of forgiveness as taught by the Christ.  Too many people sit in their pews at church harboring hate in their hearts for their spouse and are unwilling to forgive.  The hypocrisy of it all is disturbing.

     Preachers, give that forgiveness sermon again, please!  

“Our Father, who art is heaven, … forgive us our trespasses as WE forgive those who trespass against us…”

 

      “The unexamined life is not worth living”    Socrates

 

Dr. Stathas is a Counseling Psychologist, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, in the Lake Oconee area.  He is the Founder of the Stathas Life Development Center.  He can be reached at 706-473-1780. Email:Stathas@plantationcable.net.  Web site: drstathas.googlepages.com.  Blog: drstathas.com