Irritations in a relationship are a given.  Every person has certain quirks, habits, and behaviors that are annoying to his or her partner.  How a spouse perceives and handles such irritations can go a long way to determine sustained compatability and closeness.

Jay Dixit had a good article in Psychology Today relative to dealing with annoyances, irritations, and some reactions that can erode a relationship. Here are some typical scenarios:

1. IT’S DELIBERATE: One person has a behavior that annoys the other. A mentions, then later nags, B about it.  A continues the behavior.  B feels persecuted that A is deliberately trying to hurt B. “Victim” personalities particularly lean this way.

2. MESSINESS: In the book, A PERFECT MESS, Abraham and Freedman claim that 80% of couples living together have differences over mess and organization. Neatniks and slobs, or some variant of, often find each other – and then fuss.

3. FEELING UNLOVED: A acts one way and B decides that A doesn’t love B. Sensitivity on A’s part and deductive reasoning on B’s part are not strengths present.

4. FEELING UNAPPRECIATED: A does xyz behavior for B but B does not respond in a manner that A feels appreciated.  Expectation not met.

5. FEELING CONTROLLED: Studies on relationship complaints estimate that close to half of all couples feel that being controlled – “told what to do” – is a major problem in their relationship. For some reason some spouses feel that they can “parent” the other.

6. NOT FEELING INTIMATE: Many couples do not feel close to each other emotionally or sensually.  Barriers are erected that stop any positive movement toward the other. It can be challenging to thaw that “ice”.

7. FLIRTING: If closeness does not exist between a couple, a spouse will sometimes resort to flirting to get the “please notice me” attention desired. Not a wise thing to do.

8. PERSONALITY CONFLICT: Individuals may have differences of needs and style. One may expect the other to be like him or her, or do what that person wants, which may conflict with the personality of the other. “Why aren’t you like me?”

9. LACK OF FAIRNESS: One spouse doesn’t do his or her share of what needs to be done or that is the perception by a mate. Both people want “fair” but disagree with what it actually is.

10. CRITICISM: Criticisms make people feel attacked and unloved. Men tend to shut down and refuse to engage. Women are more prone to criticize and nag.  A big gap results with neither person getting the connection desired.

Dr. John Gottman, eminent relationship researcher, says that 69% of all marital problems arise from basic personality differences between partners. Such differences present real challenges when two people try to live together in a romantic committed relationship.  So what do you do?

Your choice: change what is possible, accept what you are able, and decide if it is enough to move toward or away from each other.  Perhaps you may need some help in that process of communication and adaptation so that the best combination possible results.

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” — Socrates

Dr. Stathas is a Counseling Psychologist, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, in the Lake Oconee area.  He is the Founder of the Stathas Life Development Center.  He can be reached at 706-473-1780. Email: Stathas@plantationcable.net.  Web site: drstathas.googlepages.com. His blog: drstathas.com