“Escape from Planet Earth”

PG for action and some rude humor.

While the opera fan and half of my carpool watched the Metropolitan Opera’s live production of Rigoletto (Goes Vegas), I served my readers by debating which of the three critic-pummeled films I needed to see 1) a clear reason not to gild the lily for the fifth time, especially when the action stars need hip-replacements: “A Good Day to Die Hard”, 2) the “witchified” Twilight rip-off: “Beautiful Creatures”, 3) another Nicholas Sparks gag-inducing love fest between and among flawless cardboard magazine models: “Safe Haven” or 3) the animated “Escape from Planet Earth”.

I chose the one which spoke to my inner child, but I forgot my inner child was as cranky, difficult-to-please and irascible as the adult one.

“Escape from Planet Earth” may have used the best animation technology available, but the dialogue and plot can’t even surpass a mediocre episode of the Jetsons. Planet Baab (pronounced Bob, ain’t that a kick?) is inhabited by SMURF blue people.

We are most concerned with Gary Supernova (voiced by Rob Coddry) who works for BASA (think NASA). He is a nerdish, little guy that works mission control for his brother the beefy, heroic, action figure-like superstar, Scorch (Buzz Lightyear should file suit for character copyright violation). Scorch gets all the adulation, even from Gary’s son, Kip. Gary does all the hard work, but Scorch takes all the glory. Scorch takes it upon himself to go to the Dark Planet (Earth) a place of devolved, violent people; a planet from which not a single alien has returned, obviously presumed dead. Scorch arrives on Earth and loses contact. Gary goes to save his brother and earn the respect of his son.

On Earth, the evil villain is a four-star army general (who saw that coming?) voiced by William Shatner. (Get it? Oh, are my sides are hurting from laughing at the irony). [The previous parenthetical comments are heavy sarcasm.] General Shanker is carrying on an intergalactic/network affair with the head of BASA. Together, they are going to take over the entire universe, but the General really intends to blow up all the inhabited planets in the universe. Of course, his base is Area 51 and he has hundreds of aliens imprisoned there who have worked on his domination plan.

Cue the heroes from Baab. But the plot was obscured by the abundant, if not crass, use of product placement in the film. The computer assistant (for Gary) is named Mr. James Bing (Ricky Gervais); Bing, as in the search engine.

Scorch’s first interaction with Earthlings is at a 7-Eleven. And if that isn’t enough, Gary ends up at the very same 7-Eleven and is given a blue Slurpee—as blue as he is—and as a result experiences a brain freeze from drinking the Slurpee too fast.

Not everything was mundane for me. One of the aliens was a gargantuan, one-eyed, lobster-colored (and clad) female (voiced by Jane Lynch) creature with anger issues. She was a librarian on her home planet. She did not shush anybody and she did not hesitate to punch the lights out of the deserving when given the opportunity. Now, she was my heroine. They should have given me more of her and less of the pseudo-Smurfs.

This is the film to take the less than gifted children and grandchildren to. They might enjoy it. Just tie a string to them so when you fall asleep they will awaken you should they prove they have high standards and indignantly leave the theater in search of a Redbox to rent “Planet 51”.

“Escape from Planet Earth” earns two and a half bow ties out of five.