People die. People we love and care for die. Some die unexpectedly. Others painfully and slowly erode into death. How do we cope with such a painful and life changing event?

As a Psychotherapist I encounter death’s ramifications on a regular basis. As a son I have dealt with it on a personal basis. My Father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease at the age of fifty-five. Slowly he lost his spirit, dying at the age of sixty-eight. It is not easy to move on with life when a loved one is lost.

Fortunately there are ways to better understand and productively adjust to this devastating loss. Some coping mechanisms have been offered in scholarly tomes. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, in her book “On Death And Dying”, writes of the five stages of grieving. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Another perspective is offered by Robert Neimeyer. He believes that phases of adaptation to one’s loss gives deeper meaning and pragmatically assists in the grieving process. The challenge is to process the loss of a loved one, cope with the grief symptoms and reformulate a relationship with the lost loved one. The tasks of doing this vary over time.

These tasks consist of the following:

1) Acknowledging the reality: The finality of death is always a shock, even after a known terminal illness. Accepting that death is real and absorbing the truth of what has happened can be difficult. This can be tied in with the Kubler-Ross stage of denial.

2) Weathering the stress of separation: Mourning brings many physical and emotional hallmarks: crying, inability to cry, sleeplessness, not eating, numbness, feeling forlorn, withdrawing socially, anger and so on. This phase and its idiosyncratic expression varies from person to person, but is experienced by all.

3) Adjusting to absence: Getting on with everyday life can be very challenging. Often there is intense yearning for the person who has died, along with stress and depression. Unresolved issues that may have been present get magnified. Some feel alone and isolated.

4) Revising your relationship to the deceased: The relationship with the deceased does not end, it changes. The goal of grieving is not to let go, but to find a way to hold on with less pain. Re-framing is a method used to do that. How can the deceased be held in memory, rituals and conversation that is manageable, even comforting, rather than painful.

5) Rewriting the storyline of one’s life: Grief is more than an emotion. It’s a process of reconstructing a world of meaning that’s been challenged by the loss. An important part of grieving is to gain a perspective on the meaning of the loss and to reconstruct a world in which you can live effectively afterward.

It is important to understand that whether you experience and process grief through the five stages of Kubler-Ross and/or the phases presented here, grief is a transition that will never be completed. The experience will vary according to the grieving person and the particular relationship with the deceased.

For me personally, I have found that the tasks of Dr. Neimeyer fit best. I have gone through the first four tasks and currently find meaning in task five. My Dad’s life and loss has further motivated me to live as healthily as possible, both physically and mentally. I hope that in doing so I will not suffer his afflictions, as least not so early in life, so as to minimize the suffering caused to my family with whom I have a special, loving relationship. In that sense I am painfully grateful for my Father’s life.

 

Dr. Stathas can be reached at 706-473-1780; e-mail: Stathas@plantationcable.net; web site: DrStathas.googlepages.com; blog: drstathas.com.