An issue that I am increasingly seeing in my practice is the estrangement of adult parents and their adult children. I hear both sides of this situation from the at odds parties. It usually is a reflection of intense anger or deep hurt. Why are these family members not close?

The Parent-Child relationship goes through many phases during the course of shared time. Marriage and family dynamics either create an enduring closeness between parent and child or such breakdowns and detours result in divisive estrangement.

Some typical scenarios that result in estrangement are:

• Dad and Mom’s poor marriage – yet they stay together. Kids suffer from this stressful environment and later often have significant resentment toward one or both parents. There are many variants to this family experience.
• Dad and Mom divorce. Research is conclusive in showing the negative impact on kids whose parents divorce. Again, there are a number of variables involved.
• Step parent’s negative involvement in the raising of the kids. Kids often have a lot of resentment toward the parent who brings in a marriage partner who has a hand in the parenting process.
• Poor parenting. Parents who are overly strict or overly lenient will feel the repercussions of these styles when the kids get older. Sometimes one parent chooses to be a “friend” to the kids instead of being a parent.
• A critical incident. Significant abuse (physical, emotional or sexual), serious illness or death involving a member of the family can lead to such estrangement.
• Financial distress or disagreements.

These headline issues have many sub plots, twists and turns ultimately resulting in some degree of estrangement of one or more children with one or both parents. Such family rifts can be very painful.

Family estrangements can be healed.

A number of factors need to be present to effectuate such a desirable outcome.

• The individuals involved need to want to develop a better relationship.
• Each person must be willing to devote the time and energy necessary.
• These people must be able to be open to a healing process.
• All involved persons need to commit to a proven therapeutic process by a professional with expertise in such a delicate family matter.

Should the above-mentioned conditions be met the process of reconciliation and re-connection can begin. A positive outcome is definitely possible.

I find that this aspect of my practice to be one of the most rewarding. Family caring and cohesiveness is a wonderful component for one’s happiness in life. The deepest family rifts can be healed if the family members are willing to give it a try.

On a personal note, I am so grateful and fortunate that Sherry and I have a deep bond of love with each of our children. Both Kris and Brittany value and put forth the effort to ensure that our relationship is nurtured on an ongoing basis. We appreciate that and do our best to be the best parents that we can be. The same closeness exists with our respective Mothers who we love and appreciate. Our Fathers unfortunately died way too young. Their premature deaths are constant reminders to share as much family closeness as possible while you are still able.

 

Dr. Stathas can be reached at 706-473-1780; e-mail: Stathas@plantationcable.net; web site: DrStathas.googlepages.com; blog: drstathas.com.