The holidays bring out family dynamics, issues and emotions. Situations “trigger” reactions that usually are concealed during the rest of the year. There is a vulnerability that exists where feelings often are raw. Many people “weird out” during this time of year.

There is no perfect family. Consequently, everyone has a weakness or vulnerability in certain parts of his or her personality. This vulnerability can cause significant emotional,  communicative and relational problems between family members and spouses.

John Bradshaw, in his groundbreaking book, “The Family,” describes a number of issues or conditions that people have. The holidays exacerbate them leading to emotional pain and relational fallout. (Excuse the length, but please don’t quit reading. You will find yourself!)

1. ABANDONMENT FEARS: You have great difficulty separating. You stay in relationships long after it is healthy to do so. You hoard things and cannot seem to let go of anyone or anything.

2. DENIAL AND DELUSION: You are fantasy bonded to your family of origin. You defend your parents against any suggestion that they did less than a sterling job. You continually try to please your parents and win their love. But no matter what you do, it is never quite good enough.

3. UNDIFFERENTIATED EMOTIONS: You never know quite what you feel; you don’t know how to express your emotions. You cry when you’re angry; you get mad when you’re afraid.

 4. LONELINESS AND ISOLATION: You are unconnected and things sometime seem unreal. You feel lonely and never quite feel you belong.

5. THOUGHT DISORDERS: You detail to the point of boring other people. You generalize a lot and often obsess on things you can’t do anything about. You worry excessively and intellectualize your problems.

6. COMPULSIVE/ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS: You use euphoric type substances to change you feelings. You use activities to distract you from your feelings.

7. HIGH LEVEL ANXIETY: You are chronically anxious. You don’t know exactly what you fear, but you imagine the worst. You catastrophize.

8. INTIMACY PROBLEMS: When you start feeling close to someone, you sabotage the relationship. You’re attracted to emotionally unavailable people. When you could be close to someone, you are not interested. You cling to a relationship once you’re involved.

9. LOSS OF AFFECT AND ENERGY: People experience you as cold and mechanical. You are numb.

10. DRIVES AND NEEDS ARE SHAME BASED: When you feel horny, hungry, want to be touched or need something, you feel ashamed.

11. RESENTMENT/GUILT CYCLE: You feel resentment about your duties to your family of origin or to your current family, but you feel guilty when you’re not taking care of those duties.

12. OVERLY CONTROLLING: You try to control everyone and everything around you. You try to control other people’s behavior.

13. FALSE SELF: You pretend a lot. You gauge your behavior by how it looks — by the image you believe you are making. You wear a mask, play a rigid role, and hide your emotions.

14. EMPTY AND NARCISSISTICALLY DEPRIVED: You feel empty and go from one experience to another trying to be satisfied.

15. MANIPULATING AND GAMEY: You use your energy to play games with people. You manipulate to get your needs met, rather than being straightforward about it.

16. OVERINDULGED AND OVERSUBMITTED TO: You pamper and indulge yourself. You are constantly irritated that people don’t respond to your needs.

17. OVERLY PERFECTIONISTIC, RIGID AND AUTHORITARIAN: You endlessly strive to do everything right. You constantly monitor yourself. You are critical and judgmental.

18. NEEDY AND WANTING: You feel needy and look to others to fill your needs. You married to be taken care of.

Well, did you find yourself, or parts of yourself? Just know that the emotions of the holiday and the family “triggers” will challenge your vulnerability. Protect and heal yourself by reaching out to others with the holiday spirit of love, caring, and sharing.

                

Dr. Stathas can be reached at 706-473-1780. Email: Stathas@plantationcable.net. Website:drstathas.googlepages.com. Blog: drstathas.com