Women men love, women men leave

Published 8:00 am Thursday, August 21, 2014

Recently I showcased and amplified a book written by Dr. Barbara De Angelis, which tells men what they need to know about women in order to have successful relationships.  Equal opportunity is presented here as two male psychologists write to help women understand men.

In “Women Men Love, Women Men Leave,” Drs. Connell Cowan and Melvyn Kinder unravel “the puzzling patterns of man’s needs, fears, and expectations.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                       These insights are designed to help women understand “what makes a man want to make a commitment to a woman… and stay with — forever”.After an opening chapter discussing why love is “puzzling, the need everyone has for love, and how experiences teach us about love, Drs. Cowan and Kinder, profile women that men LEAVE. There are five types presented.

WOMEN WHO UNKNOWING FEAR INTIMACY.  These are “women who unintentionally block a process that is absolutely necessary for a healthy relationship to endure, the development of intimacy”.  … “Intimacy is a close emotional bond characterized by mutual sharing and understanding.  … It requires a great deal of trust”. If a person is to be open to intimacy one must first love oneself and have confidence.  It this exists a person can overcome the fears of rejection, abandonment, and loss of one’s identity.

HOW INNOCENT EXPECTATIONS BECOME DANGEROUS.  The authors address what would be reasonable expectations in a relationship and those that are unreasonable demands.  When a woman has demands it reflects an intense need rather than wishes or preferences.

WOMEN WHO SECRETLY FEEL CONTEMPT FOR MEN.  Drs. Cowan and Kinder say these women have developed this contempt for men from family and social influences or internal conflict.  Various contemptuous forms would the “the ice queen,” the “competitor,” the “hot number,” the “ball buster.” The authors offer tips to help these women get over their anger.

HOW THE NEED TO CONTROL BACKFIRES. The need to control comes from a woman’s insecurity say the authors.  Forms of control include women who try to “restrict” men’s behavior or “dictate” how he should act. Over monitoring a man’s behavior or excessive caretaking a man are more subtle forms of control.

WOMEN WHO GIVE TOO FREELY.  These are women “who have learned a pattern of giving and self-sacrifice that invariably serves to deplete their emotional resources and, ironically, results in pushing men away – the very outcome they so deeply fear”. These women can be found in the “rescuer,” the “Siamese Twin,” the “Easy Lover,” the “Martyr,” the “Caretaker.”

Now that you the Reader know the types of women that men leave, let’s see who the authors present to us that men love. What must a woman do who wants love and commitment from a man?

GIVING UP THE PRINCE AND FINDING THE MAN. Cowan and Kinder state that “the most fundamental key to a man’s passion and his desire to commit himself is a woman’s capacity to understand and accept who he really is. “Who men really are” includes these male forces: ‘the drive toward autonomy,’ ‘the need to be brave,’ ‘the need to win,’ ‘the need to play,’ ‘the need to be a hero.’

TRUSTING A MAN TO LOVE YOUR STRENGTH. “Men look to women not only for emotional support  but also for inspiration …. as well as intelligence and intuition”. Strength roles of women would include the Partner, Achiever, and the Adviser.

AROUSING A MAN’S PASSION AND DESIRE. “Passion encompasses the myriad expressions of aliveness and intensity in a relationship… passion makes us feel more alive and vibrant”.

“People who are passionate want to live life to the fullest.”  “Our mates may at times inadvertently suppress our childlike enthusiasm, joy, and passion.” Men like a passionate woman who is his “lover” and “seductress.” The authors encourage women to “assign prominence and priority to sexuality in your life. … You need to enjoy sex and your enjoyment has to be communicated to your partner.”

DEEPENING LOVE THROUGH FRIENDSHIP. “While some people believe the epitome of success in a relationship is reached with passionate and romantic highs, others feel blessed when they find someone who’s a friend and companion – and this is particularly true for men”.  Men feel very fortunate if their mate is their “best friend”. Without that bond of friendship there is a sense of loneliness and separateness in a man.

The book concludes with the “Rules for staying in love” and some “quizzes” about “styles of loving”.  Cowan and Kinder have a lot of real life scenarios from their practices that enflesh these concepts and stereotypes.  The book is provocative and is capable of inspiring deeper communication, and perhaps debate, between men and women.  And there’s nothing wrong with that!!

Dr. Stathas can be reached at 706-473-1780. Email: Stathas@plantationcable.net.  Website: drstathas.googlepages.com. Blog: drstathas.com