Are you familiar with the term “passive aggressive”? If you are not familiar with the term odds are that you have experienced this type of communication from someone close to you. Perhaps you too have been guilty of using this undesirable form of communication.

A working definition of passive aggression for the purpose of this writing is “a deliberate and masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger”. Passive Aggressives are not obviously angry but they use subtle words and tonality to try and create a feeling of insecurity or frustration in you.

Do you recognize any of these expressions coming from your lips or someone close to you? “I’m not mad”(denying feelings when really upset on the inside). “Fine, whatever” (sulking and withdrawing from arguments). “I’m coming” (complying with a request but delaying its completion). “I didn’t know you meant now” (a way of procrastinating). “You just want everything to be perfect” (carry out the task in a timely but unacceptable manner). “I thought you knew” (not sharing information which could have been helpful). “Sure, I’d be happy to” (smiling and saying the right thing but not following through). “I was only joking” (a cutting statement or sarcasm and then denial of the expressed statement). “Why are you getting so upset” (taking pleasure at upsetting someone and then questioning their “overreactions”)

Characteristics of Passive Aggressives:

Often unwilling to speak your truth openly, kindly, and honestly.

Appear sweet, compliant and agreeable, but really are resentful, angry, petty and envious underneath.

Complaining that others treat you unfairly (victim style).

Procrastinating frequently, especially on things you do for others.

Unwilling to give a straight answer.

Sulking, withdrawing and pouting.

Frequently feeling inadequate but covering it up with superiority, disdain, or hostile passivity.

Often late and/or forgetful.

Dragging your feet to frustrate others.

Making up stories, excuses and lies.

Constantly presenting yourself so no one will know how afraid you are of being inadequate, imperfect, left, dependent, or simply human.

Promise to do something for someone and then conveniently “forget” to do it.

Blame others for not doing something you committed to.

Frequently use the word “can’t” when you really mean “won’t”.

Passive Aggressives are tough to have a relationship with for they are difficult to trust. When communication is unclear or it seems you are getting, or sending, mixed message you cannot be sure what is really going on inside – the true feelings.

Preferably you, or someone you have a relationship with, has a more direct and trustworthy form of communication. “Mean what you say and say what you mean” (but don’t say it mean)!

Dr. Stathas can be reached at 706-473-1780, Email:Stathas@plantationcable.net. Web site: drstathas.googlepages.com. Blog: drstathas.com