One of the insights of my life is that every human interaction is both an energy and power exchange. In my practice, working with couples, I evaluate interactions in part by listening to the perceptions of the people involved, remembering that each person’s perception is his or her reality. No video available! If a person feels overpowered and de-energized by the actions of the other that person feels hurt and insignificant. As a result he or she will probably react in some negative and hurtful manner. Thus, the power exchange is worthy of discussion.

Hara Estroff Marano, a gifted writer, has recently penned a stimulating article about power in relationships. She states that power is “a basic force in every social interaction. Power defines the way we relate to each other. It dictates whether you get listened to. It determines whether your needs take priority or get any attention at all.”

She continues, “The problem for romantic partners is that power as normally exercised is a barrier to intimacy. It blunts sensitivity to a partner and precludes emotional connectivity. Yet this connection is what human beings all crave, and need. It satisfies deeply. But there’s only one path to intimacy. It runs straight through shared power in relationships. … It determines whether you’ll be satisfied or have days (and nights) spiked with resentment and depression.”

Carmen Knudson-Martin adds, “The ability of couples to withstand stress, respond to change, and enhance each other’s health and well-being depends on their having a relatively equal power balance.”

Noted psychologist, Harriet Lerner, opines, “Intimacy rests on two people who have the capacity to both listen and speak up, who have the courage to bring more and more of their full selves into the relationship. Both need equal power in defining what they want and what they really think and believe. … If you truly believe you can’t survive without a relationship, you have no power to really be yourself within it”.

Practically speaking, power exchanges are involved in communication and decision-making. Mutual respect and trust are foundational elements to build on as such issues as income production, division of labor, parenting, sexual expression, and others are decided upon.

An important goal here is to affirm identity and worth so that partners can open themselves up, feel safe, so that they can reveal their innermost thoughts, express concerns, even admit weakness, uncertainty, or mistakes in a partner’s presence. Mutual vulnerability becomes a “high-water mark of bringing one’s whole self into a relationship”, according to Estroff Marano.

The author offers the following components necessary for a bountiful power exchange for a couple.

1. ATTENTION: Both partners are emotionally attuned to and supportive of each other. They listen to each other. And both feel invested in the relationship.

2. INFLUENCE: Partners are responsive to each other’s needs and each other’s bids for attention, conversation, and connection. Each has the ability to engage and emotionally affect the other.

3. ACCOMMODATION: Both partners influence the relationship and make pertinent decisions jointly.

4. RESPECT: Each partner sees the other as admirable, worthy of kindness in a considerate and collaborative relationship.

5. SELFHOOD: Each partner retains a viable self, capable of functioning without the relationship if necessary, able to be his or her own person with inviolable boundaries that reflect core values.

6. STATUS: Both partners enjoy the same freedom to directly define and assert what is important and put forth what is the agenda for the relationship. Both feel entitled to have and express their needs and goals and bring their full self into the relationship.

7. VULNERABILITY: Each partner is willing to admit weakness, uncertainty, and mistakes.

8. FAIRNESS: Both partners feel that chores and responsibilities are divided in ways that support individual and collective well-being.

9. REPAIR: Partners make deliberate efforts to de-escalate conflict by calming down, apologizing for harshness, becoming less defensive and listening better to the other’s position.

10. WELL-BEING: Each partner fosters the well-being of the other physically, emotionally, and financially.

Well, Respected Reader, how are you doing in your current power exchange and/or capacity to effectuate a healthy power exchange? If done well it leads to interdependence, intimate closeness, and a desirable synergy moving forward.

Dr. Stathas can be reached at 706-473-1780. Email: Stathas@plantationcable.net. Web page: drstathas.googlepages.com. Blog: drstathas.com