Couples Communication is not easy for many couples for multiple reasons. I would like to share a typical scenario that I hear very often in my office. I call it the “chicken or egg” communication problem. You know the quandary question, do you not? See if you know the answer. “Which came first, the chicken or the egg”? Well, what is the answer?

Let me personalize this “chicken-egg” question with this familiar dialogue that I come across so frequently.

Billy Bob says to Sally Sue in an angry tone, “Why didn’t you talk to me about this?”

Sally Sue’s answer is, “I was afraid of your response!”

Billy Bob: “It upsets me that you feel you couldn’t talk to me. I don’t like being left out”

Sally Sue: “You get mad at me when I tell you anything that you don’t like or agree with.”

Billy Bob: “I’m not mad, I’m hurt.”

Sally Sue: “Feels like mad to me. I’m scared of your temper”

Typically, Billy Bob starts sulking, goes silent. Sally Sue dare not approach him. The communication gap is wide. Sometimes that icy gap lasts a short time, sometimes it becomes a way of life. This couple needs to find a way for angry Billy Bob to be less angry and Sally Sue to be less fearful. The Assertiveness model of communication is the “answer” here.

Another type of “chicken-egg” communication goes like this:

Sally Sue: “I told you about that yesterday”

Billy Bob: “No you didn’t”

Sally Sue: “Yes I did!”

Billy Bob: “No you didn’t!”

This can go on forever. Usually it escalates to a heated pitch with both believing and arguing that s/he is right. They do not allow “wiggle room”. A better way to handle this perceptual problem would be:

Sally Sue: “I told you that yesterday”

Billy Bob: “No you didn’t”

Sally Sue: “I thought I did, perhaps I did not”

Billy Bob: “Maybe you did and I missed it”

In this case there is no power struggle. Nobody has to “win”. They allow “wiggle room”. When this happens in my office, I cut off the escalating anger by saying, “Unless either of you has brought the video of this communication exchange, we are going to stop this discussion right now. It is going nowhere.” I then teach them about “wiggle room” and focusing on how communication can improve so that they can stay emotionally connected.

The two issues emphasized here are:

1. How one person’s anger and the other person’s fear stop quality communication.

2. How each person needing to be right leads to an angry power struggle with no one winning or feeling good about the communication.

Can any of you, Respected Readers, identify with either of these communication problems? If you say “no” you are living in la la land and have very low emotional intelligence. Hope this has been helpful!

Dr. Stathas can be reached at 706-473-1780. Email:Stathas@plantationcable.net. Web site: drstathas.googlepages.com. Blog: drstathas.com