People marry. People divorce. People re-marry, often after having kids. Such a subsequent marriage offers many challenges, which is why the divorce rate for them is significantly higher. One of the main reasons for such failure is the children factor – trying to combine two families. Not easy!

In my practice I face this issue often. It is one of the more complex, and often frustrating, situations that I encounter. There are many variables involved. I will try to touch some of the more prevalent ones. Dr. Phil has listed some good strategies. I will share them with you and add some of my own.

1. ACKNOWLEDGE THE CHALLENGE: Some people are naïve and think that “love conquers all.” It doesn’t. Money, discipline, chores, religion, visitation issues, exes, age of children, schooling, etc … are some of the more common challenging areas. Unfortunately most couples do not have good communication, compromise, and a plan when entering into such an arrangement. It is a pity that so few couples do not see a licensed marriage and family therapist before hand to understand the feasibility of such a union and develop a pro-active plan to meet the upcoming challenges.

2. COME UP WITH A REALISTIC PLAN: When a family merges some of the more specific plans that need to be developed are: a) the role each parent will play in parenting each other’s kids. b) the division of labor concerning the kids. c) how much alone time the couple will have without kids. d) how do grandparents and other extended family fit into the picture? e) long terms goals. f) financial goals, short and long term. g) many more!

3. BE AWARE OF HOW THE CHILDFREN INVOLVED ARE EXPERIENCING THIS CHANGE: The kids did not make this choice. It was made for them. What are their perceptions, desires, feelings as to such disruption of their lives? Good communication is needed to be sure that they can participate and be heard.

4. DO NOT ARGUE IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN: Your children have witnessed enough family conflict. Don’t make it worse. When you argue in front of your children you change who they are. When they see you fighting they believe it is because of them.

5. STOP COMPLAINING AND BE SPECIFIC AS TO YOUR NEEDS: Be clear in your own mind what your needs are and be respectfully specific in pointing them out to your spouse. Mind reading is not a gift that your spouse possesses! Also, ask your spouse what needs s/he may have.

6. AGREE ON DISCIPLINE STRATEGIES FOR KIDS: This is vitally important. What are the mutual expectations for all the kids and what are the consequences for meeting or not meeting them. Generally the biological parent should be the explainer and enforcer of such rules. Be fair and consistent.

7. CREATE A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR STEPCHILD(REN): You are now a pivotal person in the kids’ life, having a significant impact in how s/he develops. How you accept and treat the child will is very important.

8. SUPPORT YOUR SPOUSE’S RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS/HER CHILD: Never make your spouse choose between you and his/her child. Too often in counseling I hear the spouse say “I’m not number one.” Anger or hurt accompanies this statement. I believe that there can be two “number ones.” Each is a different relationship with different emotions, behaviors and time spent factors.

9. FORM A GOOD ALLIANCE WITH YOUR FORMER SPOUSE: You and your former spouse have not ended your relationship. Your marriage has ended but you have an eternal bond with the co- parent of your child. How you relate has an enormous affect on your child(ren). One of the more disheartening things I witness in counseling is when the parents continue to have an estranged argumentative relationship. Severe damage is caused by these parents who cannot ante up and relate well for sake of their child.

The list could go on and on. It is a daunting task to seamlessly blend children with another parent and any kids that may be a part of such a package. If you are contemplating such a union, or already in one, please get some professional help for the arduous task ahead.

Dr. Stathas can be reached at 706-473-1780. Email: Stathas@plantationcable.net. Website: drstathas.googlepages.com. Blog: drstathas.com.