“Valley Girl”

Directed by: Rachel Lee Goldenberg

Rated: PG-13

Runtime: 1:44

If you’re reading this to find out if this film is worth the watch, I’ll save you the time: it most definitely is not. However, if you want to hear about how awful this film is, please, keep reading. Loosely adapted from the 1980s Nic Cage classic, “Valley Girl,” this 2020 remake that is now available on-demand via Amazon, is a PG-13, musical version of the edgy classic from the ‘80s. Yes, the idea of a musical remake to tempt ‘80s nostalgia in younger audiences who did not see the original is cool, I’ll give the producers that. But when not a single one of the actors can sing, dance, or let alone act, there is going to be a major problem. That’s where I come in.

For those who are unfamiliar with the plot, even though the title is as obvious as the narrative itself, the film follows a valley girl, who falls in love with a punk rocker from “over the hill” aka Hollywood, in the 1980s. I will give the film this, as someone who lived in the Valley for a few months just this spring, Sherman Oaks (where the movie takes place) to be exact, the stereotypes that “valley people” have about “Hollywood people” — as cliché as they are — still exist today. I can recall at least four times when someone else from the Valley told me that, “the weirdos” live over the hill. Not saying that I agree or disagree, but the point is that the only realistic thing about this pathetic, “Clueless” (1996)-knock off of a film are the stereotypes it endorses. 

Speaking of the most iconic film of all time, “Clueless,” Alicia Silverstone, stars as the adult version of Julie and is about the only saving grace this film has. The other actors, aside from Silverstone and Judy Greer (Julie’s Valley mom), whose characters have their decent moments, are all newbies who again, cannot sing, dance, or act to save their lives. The film would have still been cheesy but at least bearable to watch had the leads have decent talent. But no. Instead, they had to butcher every great 80s song imaginable with their Disney Channel-level of talentless vocals. 

The choreography was all right. The writing was all right. The cinematography was even “all right.” But all right is not great or even “good” so this film was doomed from the very beginning. I mean, let’s be honest here: the original, although sometimes deemed a cult-classic, was not great. So, I do not understand why we needed a remake of this in the first place, especially a musical remake with actors who cannot sing. I understand that this film was released early during this time to make people “happy” or at least that is what I am assuming from the shockingly decent Rotten Tomatoes audience score. This is all fine and dandy, but I would like my six dollars and 99 cents back, Amazon. Please and thank you.

All and all, if you want to watch something so stupid that it is semi-fun, then go right ahead and waste your precious seven dollars. But if you are craving an at least subpar film to fill the depressed, cinematic void in your soul, please wait until more films become available on-demand. Or just go ahead and watch the new “Trolls” movie. I couldn’t bring myself to watch it, but it cannot be any more terrible than this giant piece of garbage. I give it a 2 out of 10. It would have received a 0, but let’s face it: writing this review is the most fun I have had in weeks.