“Cowboys & Aliens”

Rated PG-13 (for intense sequences of Western and sci-fi action and violence, some partial nudity and a brief crude reference).

“Cowboys & Aliens” certainly has an original concept: evil aliens attack a New Mexican town in the 1870s. However, I think a perfectly intriguing Western has been ruined by an invasion of mundane turtle-lizard monsters.

A man (Daniel Craig) finds himself in an arid and rocky patch of land with a massive, clunky, anachronistic bracelet on his wrist and nary a memory — an amnesiac. Three mangy looking desperados on horses appear on the scene apparently wishing to do our dazed and confused hero mischief. Our guy immediately reacts — no doubt instinctivel — and kills the bullies — and not with gentility either. This is not a man to mess with, clearly. He knows how to kill. And, no, he does not talk like James Bond.

He stumbles into an almost cliché Western town — you have to think this is almost a parody of Westerns. A bully (seems we have a recurring character theme here) is taunting a mousy, four-eyed, saloon owner (Sam Rockwell). True to Western (movie plot) protocols, Bracelet Man, thumps the bully-boy.

This attracts the Sheriff (Keith Carradine) and he soon realizes that the new smiter of tormentors is a wanted man, Jake Lonergan by name. Seems Lonergan is a thief — he stole gold from the rich rancher in town, none other than Woodrow Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford) father of the brutish little twit who was picking on the aforementioned tavern proprietor. The Sheriff arrests both Lonergan and Dolarhyde Junior.

 The Western trots along formulaically but then, suddenly, the garish bracelet starts blinking and beeping. Spaceships appear and start yanking up townsfolk by chains — making them look like fish on the line of a wildly gesticulating, airborne fisherman.

 Seems that the aliens have come to earth to steal our gold and dissect our people (all the better to know how to kill us en masse, no doubt). This prompts the townsfolk to stop their petty bickering amongst themselves. They even take a break from slaughtering the Indians to make them allies in the aliens vs. humans battle. Perhaps the film should have been titled Cowboys with Indians & Aliens.

Of course there is a comely lass in the mix of this cinematic genre mashup. She is not what she appears to be because she does not faint or swoon or have the unfortunate visage of Calamity Jane.

“Cowboys & Aliens” is over-the-top on purpose. I like that. And I really like the stars. I mean, really. Top Choice sirloin heavily injected with unapologetic, glorious testosterone, by jiminy. But I am sick and tired of slimy-insect-reptile-CGI aliens. What happened to the Michael Rennie aliens (from The Day the Earth Stood Still)?

The film, apart from the impressive star power, reminded me of science fiction TV shows in the 1970s — a little cheesy — I almost expected to see Spock and Kirk pop out from behind a boulder. By contrast, the Western scenes sparkled. I know that C&A’s plot was supposed to be schizophrenic but the quality was schizophrenic too. The creators of the monsters were lazy and choose to take the comfortable, tried but tired route instead of giving us an alien monster we have never seen before. Boo & Hiss on them.

 It isn’t a bad movie. There is some solidly good stuff in it. It could have been a really fun and creative film. Indeed, they thought outside the box; but they dropped the box. So, to use an over-used expression: “meh!” on “Cowboys & Aliens.”

“Cowboys & Aliens” earns three bow ties out of five.